Why we can’t stop overeating
Our favourite foods are making us fat, yet we can’t resist, because eating them is changing our minds as well as bodies
For years I wondered why I was fat. I lost weight, gained it back, and lost it again – over and over and over. I owned suits in every size. As a former commissioner of the FDA (the US Food and Drug Administration), surely I should have the answer to my problems. Yet food held remarkable sway over my behaviour.
The latest science seemed to suggest being overweight was my destiny. I was fat because my body’s “thermostat” was set high. If I lost weight, my body would try to get it back, slowing down my metabolism till I returned to my predetermined set point.
But this theory didn’t explain why so many people, in the US and UK in particular, were getting significantly fatter. For thousands of years, human body weight had stayed remarkably stable. Millions of calories passed through our bodies, yet with rare exceptions our weight neither rose nor fell. A perfect biological system seemed to be at work. Then, in the 80s, something changed.
Three decades ago, fewer than one Briton in 10 was obese. One in four is today. It is projected that by 2050, Britain could be a “mainly obese society”. Similar, and even more pronounced, changes were taking place in the US, where researchers found that not only were Americans entering their adult years at a significantly higher weight but, while on average everyone was getting heavier, the heaviest people were gaining disproportionately more weight than others. The spread between those at the upper end of the weight curve and those at the lower end was widening. Overweight people were becoming more overweight.
What had happened to add so many millions of pounds to so many millions of people? Certainly food had become more readily available, with larger portion sizes, more chain restaurants and a culture that promotes out-of-home eating. But having food available doesn’t mean we have to eat it. What has been driving us to overeat?
It is certainly not a want born of fear of food shortages. Nor is it a want rooted in hunger or the love of exceptional food. We know, too, that overeating is not the sole province of those who are overweight. Even people who remain slim often feel embattled by their drive for food. It takes serious restraint to resist an almost overpowering urge to eat. Yet many, including doctors and healthcare professionals, still think that weight gainers merely lack willpower, or perhaps self-esteem. Few have recognised the distinctive pattern of overeating that has become widespread in the population. No one has seen loss of control as its most defining characteristic.
“Higher sugar, fat and salt make you want to eat more.” I had read this in scientific literature, and heard it in conversations with neuroscientists and psychologists. But here was a leading food designer, a Henry Ford of mass-produced food, revealing how his industry operates. To protect his business, he did not want to be identified, but he was remarkably candid, explaining how the food industry creates dishes to hit what he called the “three points of the compass”.
Sugar, fat and salt make a food compelling. They stimulate neurons, cells that trigger the brain’s reward system and release dopamine, a chemical that motivates our behaviour and makes us want to eat more. Many of us have what’s called a “bliss point”, at which we get the greatest pleasure from sugar, fat or salt. Combined in the right way, they make a product indulgent, high in “hedonic value”.
During the past two decades, there has been an explosion in our ability to access and afford what scientists call highly “palatable” foods. By palatability, they don’t just mean it tastes good: they are referring primarily to its capacity to stimulate the appetite. Restaurants sit at the epicentre of this explosion, along with an ever-expanding range of dishes that hit these three compass points. Sugar, fat and salt are either loaded into a core ingredient (such as meat, vegetables, potato or bread), layered on top of it, or both. Deep-fried tortilla chips are an example of loading – the fat is contained in the chip itself. When it is smothered in cheese, sour cream and sauce, that’s layering.
It is not just that fast food chains serve food with more fat, sugar and salt, or that intensive processing virtually eliminates our need to chew before swallowing, or that snacks are now available at any time. It is the combination of all that, and more.
Take Kentucky Fried Chicken. My source called it “a premier example” of putting more fat on our plate. KFC’s approach to battering its food results in “an optimised fat pick-up system”. With its flour, salt, MSG, maltodextrin, sugar, corn syrup and spice, the fried coating imparts flavour that touches on all three points of the compass while giving the consumer the perception of a bargain – a big plate of food at a good price.
Initially, KFC meals were built around a whole chicken, with a pick-up surface that contained “an enormous amount of breading, crispiness and brownness on the surface. That makes the chicken look like more and gives it this wonderful oily flavour.” Over time, the company began to realise there was less meat in a chicken nugget compared with a whole chicken, and a greater percentage of fried batter. But the real breakthrough was popcorn chicken. “The smaller the piece of meat, the greater the percentage of fat pick-up,” said the food designer. “Now, we have lots of pieces of a cheaper part of the chicken.” The product has been “optimised on every dimension”, with the fat, sugar and salt combining with the perception of good value virtually to guarantee consumer appeal.
He walked me through some offerings at other popular food chains. Burger King’s Whopper touched on the three points of the compass – then was altered for further effect. In its first, stripped-down form, the burger was explosively rich in fat, sugar and salt. Then the chain began adding more beef, extra cheese or a layer of bacon. McDonald’s broke new ground in another way – by making food available on a whim. “The great growth has been the snacking occasion. You get hungry, you want something, your mind pushes off the reality of what you ought to eat, and you end up picking up a hamburger and a giant soda or french fries.”
Next they introduced a high-fat, high-salt morning meal. “They took what they learned from the core lunch and dinner menu, and applied it to breakfast. The sausage McMuffin and the egg McMuffin are stand-ins for the hamburger. In effect, you are eating a morning hamburger.”
This kind of food disappears down our throats so quickly after the first bite that it readily overrides the body’s signals that should tell us, “I’m full.” The food designer offered coleslaw as an example. When its ingredients are chopped roughly, it requires time and energy to chew. But when cabbage and carrots are softened in a high-fat dressing, coleslaw ceases to be “something with a lot of innate ability to satisfy”.
This isn’t to say that the food industry wants us to stop chewing altogether. It knows we want to eat a doughnut, not drink it. “The key is to create foods with just enough chew – but not too much. When you’re eating these things, you’ve had 500, 600, 800, 900 calories before you know it.” Foods that slip down don’t leave us with a sense of being well fed. In making food disappear so swiftly, fat and sugar only leave us wanting more.
According to food consultant Gail Vance Civille, of management consultants Sensory Spectrum, fat is crucial to this process of lubrication, ensuring that a product melts in the mouth. In the past, she says, Americans typically chewed food up to 25 times before it was swallowed; now the average American chews 10 times. “If I have fat in there, I just chew it up and whoosh! Away it goes,” she says. “You have a ‘quick getaway’, a quick melt.”
The Snickers bar, Civille says, is “extraordinarily well engineered”. Unlike many products whose nuts become annoyingly lodged between your teeth, the genius of Snickers is that as we chew, the sugar dissolves, the fat melts and the caramel picks up the peanut pieces, so the entire candy is carried out of the mouth at the same time. “You’re not getting a build-up of stuff in your mouth.”
Kettle chips are another success story. Made of sugar-rich russet potatoes, they have a slightly bitter background note and brown irregularly, which gives them a complex flavour. High levels of fat generate easy mouth-melt, and surface variations add a level of interest beyond that found in mass-produced chips. Heightened complexity is the key to modern food design.
Not so many decades ago, a single flavour of ice-cream was a special treat. Our options ran to vanilla, chocolate and strawberry – and when we could buy all three in a single carton, we saw that as a great innovation. Now ice-cream has countless flavours and varieties; it comes mixed with M&M’s or topped with caramel sauce.
When layers of complexity are built into food, the effect becomes more powerful. Sweetness alone does not account for the full impact of a fizzy drink – its temperature and tingle, resulting from the stimulation of the trigeminal nerve by carbonation and acid, are essential contributors as well.
“The complexity of the stimulus increases its association to a reward,” says Gaetano Di Chiara, an expert in neuroscience and pharmacology at the University of Cagliari in Italy. Elements of that complexity include tastes that are familiar and well liked, especially if not always readily available, and the learning associated with having had a pleasurable experience with the same food in the past.
Take a bowl of M&M’s. If I’ve eaten them in the past, I’m stimulated by the sight of them, because I know they’ll be rewarding. I eat one, and experience that reward. The visual cue gains power and stimulates the urge we call “wanting”. The more potent and complex foods become, the greater the rewards they may offer. The excitement in the brain increases our desire for further stimulation.
In theory there’s a limit to how much stimulation rewarding foods can generate. We are supposed to habituate – to neuroadapt. When Di Chiara gave animals a cheesy snack called Fonzies, the levels of dopamine in their brains increased. Over time, habituation set in, dopamine levels fell and the food lost its capacity to activate their behaviour.
But if the stimulus is powerful enough, novel enough or administered intermittently enough, the brain may not curb its dopamine response. Desire remains high. We see this with cocaine use, which does not result in habituation. Hyperpalatable foods alter the landscape of the brain in much the same way.
I asked Di Chiara to study what happens after an animal is repeatedly exposed to a high-sugar, high-fat chocolate drink. When he’d completed his experiment, he sent me an email with “Important results!!!!” in the subject line. He had shown that dopamine response did not diminish over time with the chocolate drink. There was no habituation.
Novelty also impedes habituation, and intermittency is another driver. Give an animal enough sugar-laden food, withdraw it for the right amount of time, then provide it again in sufficient quantities, and dopamine levels may not diminish.
There’s still a lot we don’t know about the relationship between the dopamine-driven motivational system and our behaviour in the presence of rewarding foods. But we do know that foods high in sugar, fat and salt are altering the biological circuitry of our brains. We have scientific techniques that demonstrate how these foods – and the cues associated with them – change the connections between the neural circuits and their response patterns.
Rewarding foods are rewiring our brains. As they do, we become more sensitive to the cues that lead us to anticipate the reward. In that circularity lies a trap: we can no longer control our responses to highly palatable foods because our brains have been changed by the foods we eat.
I wanted to know how much the industry understood about how the food we eat affects us; about what I have termed “conditioned hypereating” – “conditioned” because it becomes an automatic response to widely available food, “hyper” because the eating is excessive and hard to control. I turned to Joseph Stiglitz, a Nobel laureate in economics.
“Does the industry know that what it feeds us gets us to eat more?” I asked.
“The industry has jacked up what works for it,” Stiglitz said. “The learning is evolutionary.” Practical experience has been its guide – it does not need lab rats when it can try out its ideas on humans. Its decision-makers do not have to analyse human brain circuitry to discover what sells.
A venture capitalist who knows the business intimately cited Starbucks as a company that has recognised and responded brilliantly to a cultural need. The caffeine and sugar in the coffee, with their energising effects, are certainly part of the equation, but the chain also offers something much more primal. “It’s about warm milk and a bottle,” he says. “One of my colleagues said, ‘If I could put a nipple on it, I’d be a multimillionaire’.”
But it was thinking creatively about how to attract more consumers that led Starbucks to the Frappuccino, the venture capitalist told me. Although its stores were crowded early in the day, by afternoon “they were so empty you could roll a bowling ball through them”. The creation of a rich, sweet and comforting milkshake-like concoction utterly transformed the business. A Starbucks Strawberries & Crème Frappuccino comes with whipped cream and 18 teaspoons of sugar: all in all, this “drink” contains more calories than a personal-size pepperoni pizza, and more sweetness than six scoops of ice-cream. By encouraging us to consider any occasion for food an opportunity for pleasure and reward, the industry invites us to indulge a lot more often.
Starbucks learned a basic lesson: make enticing food easily and constantly available, keep it novel, and people will keep coming back for more. With food available in almost any setting, “the number of cues, the number of opportunities” to eat have increased, while the barriers to consumption have fallen, says David Mela, senior scientist of weight management at the Unilever Health Institute. “The environmental stimulus has changed.”
Of course, when food is offered to us, we’re not obliged to eat it. When it’s on the menu, we don’t have to order it. But this takes more than willpower. As an individual, you can practise eating the food you want in a controlled way. As a society, we can identify the forces that drive overeating and find ways to diminish their power. That’s what happened with the tobacco industry: attitudes to smoking shifted. Similar changes could be brought about in our attitudes to food – by making it mandatory for restaurants to list calorie counts on their menus; by clear labelling on food products; by monitoring food marketing. But until then few of us are immune to the ubiquitous presence of food, the incessant marketing and the cultural assumption that it’s acceptable to eat anywhere, at any time.
Call it the “taco chip challenge” – the challenge of controlled eating in the face of constant food availability. “Forty years ago, you might face the social equivalent of that taco chip challenge once a month. Now you face it every single day,” Mela said. “Every single day and every single place you go, those foods are there, those foods are cheap, those foods are readily available for you to engage in. There is constant, constant opportunity.”
How to take back control
Plan when and what you will eat There should be no room for deviation; the idea is to inhibit mindless eating and eliminate your mental tug-of-war. Once you’ve set new patterns, you can become more flexible.
Practise portion control Eat half your usual meal; see how you feel one and two hours later. A just-right meal will keep away hunger for four hours.
List the foods and situations you can’t control Cut out those foods; limit exposure to those situations. If offered something you overeat, push it away.
Talk down your urges Learn responses to involuntary thoughts: eating that will only satisfy me temporarily; eating this will make me feel trapped; I’ll be happier and weigh less if I don’t eat this.
Rehearse making the right choices Before entering a restaurant, imagine chosing a dinner that’s part of your eating plan. Think of this as a game against a powerful opponent. You won’t win every encounter, but with practice you can get a lot better.
• This is an edited extract from The End Of Overeating: Taking Control Of Our Insatiable Appetite, by David A Kessler, published by Penguin on 1 April at £9.99. To order a copy with free UK p&p, go to guardian.co.uk/bookshop.
Study magic at Davenports Magic Shop
Davenports Magic Shop was founded in 1898 by Lewis Davenport, a renowned magician and music hall performer. The business has remained in the same family ever since and today it is managed by Lewis’s great-grandson, Bill Davenport. Two of your author’s closest friends recently took lessons at Davenports and it is under their recommendation that it is included here.
The shop, hidden away in the Charing Cross underground arcade, adjacent to the tube station, has a studio where the various magical activities are held, from lectures by visiting magicians to magic courses.
Davenports shop sells a vast array of magic tricks, books, DVDs and accessories for magicians of all levels, and passionate staff who know their trade. The popular beginners Saturday magic course, which guides new starters through basic moves and tricks, and important background, runs regularly in groups of six to sixteen people. An intermediate course is also set to start soon. The next rounds of both courses begin in April.
Davenports is open Monday – Friday, 9.30am – 5.30pm and Saturdays 10.30am – 4.30pm. For more, see www.davenportsmagic.co.uk
^Picture courtesy of Davenports^
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Backlash
Recently an anonymous subscriber wrote a scathing comment on my post about Grudges. Anon is unsubscribing, viewing me as being sneaky and vindictive. People who change their people pleasing ways often get chided or mislabeled by others. As I grew into an empowered woman, many names were hurled at me by people I said no to or who I stopped allowing to walk all over me.
Selfish and bitch/bastard are commonly used to manipulate people into retuning to their more giving ways.
Depending on their situations, people have varied perspectives about situations, and words. I’ve been called a bitch for taking care of myself so many times that my first workshop was called, Be a Better Bitch/Bastard. A better bitch/bastard gets called a bitch/bastard by someone who is frustrated about not getting their way or you speak up for yourself or set any other boundaries for what you give or do for others (NOTE: I’m wearing my Better Bitch and Proud of it t-shirt in the pic. I have a few left for $15, shipping included in the US).
Name-calling is often used as a weapon to get you to give in or as an outlet for disagreement.
I subscribe to the sticks & stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me—unless I let them mentality. Words can sting or hurt you a lot if you accept them as your truth. I wasn’t a bitch when I was accused of being one. Nor was I selfish for wanting my desires filled too instead of just always going along with where others wanted to eat, what they wanted to do, etc.
As long as you KNOW you’re NOT what a person accuses you of being in words, you’re not. Names only have validity if you agree.
This blog is about my experiences and what worked for me and my clients. I KNOW that I’m not sneaky and vindictive as Anon called me. Of course he or she is entitled to personal opinions. I respect that not everyone will like or agree with me. But it isn’t my truth. Anon gave examples of why I am those words. I’m pretty sure I know which ones they are. This is how I see it.
* In my post called Miserably Skinny I wrote that I told someone to shut up when she asked challenged my food choice. This person was always critical of my body and picked on me for ordering a burger and fries, I told her not to tell me how to eat. But when the food came, she began a lecture that in the past ruined my pleasure (and I rarely have a burger and fries and wanted to enjoy it fully!). So I told her to shut up. I’d warned her several times to keep her criticism to herself. I didn’t need advice from someone who was skinny but miserable. And despite what Anon thinks, I’d do it again to someone who doesn’t stop her verbal jabs after being told more than once that it’s unacceptable and she had no right to speak to me like that.
* The other example was from my post on Grudges. Anon said I got a kick out of something bad happening to the worker in my building who began loudly stripping floors in the apartment bedroom right above me before 8AM on a Saturday, which by the way is illegal in NY. I could have reported him to the building manager or filed a complaint with the city, which would have created trouble for him with his job. Instead I released any recourse to the Universe and let God take care of it. Right after that, our building manager denied him the time off he wanted during the holidays.
I’d much rather let God sort it out instead of me looking to hurt someone.
I didn’t get a kick out of something bad happening to him or wish him evil. But I did get a kick out of the Law of Attraction returning it to him. And I did say I got a kick out of him thinking that I was giving him a holiday gift when it was an envelope with a note explaining (nicely!) how I was leaving it to God to deal with it. He’d done other inconsiderate things but this was intolerable. I didn’t detail it in my post but he knew I was getting physically ill from all the construction noise that began before 7 AM every weekday morning. Some of you may remember that I live facing the building that had the awful crane accident 2 years ago.
This guy and I discussed how unnerving it was. He had a problem just working with constant drilling and banging and knew how much I valued being able to catch up on sleep on weekends. My doorman said he warned the guy not to work so early but he had plans for the day and only cared about finishing early. So I thought he got an appropriate result of his actions!
Leaving grudges in God’s hands is the best recourse against someone who does you wrong.
Anon said the energy radiating from my words is ugly. Oh well. Anon has chosen to unsubscribe and that’s his/her choice. I wish him/her a blessed life. I have no idea of what caused his/her perspective and it doesn’t matter. I know who I am, which really is what matters. Be careful about letting word jabs hurt you or your joy. Always remember that names can never hurt you unless you let them. I no longer let them. I know if I do wrong or put out bad energy, it will surely come back to me. Meanwhile, my life continues to grow with delight!
When you own your right to not adopt what someone else thinks of you as true, you can guide your life down a path of YOUR choice!
Do your best to do the right thing and also understand that you and people around you may see things differently and that’s okay. Don’t let others rattle your path. Everyone has issues that push their buttons when they see or hear or read certain things. I still do. It’s important to remember that their issues aren’t yours. So I’ll continue to write my blog as I choose and people can read or not read it as they choose. Getting upset about someone else’s name calling ain’t worth the bad energy attached to it. Bless them with a good spirit and move on!
If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!
Speaking in Front of a Group
I get many people to answer questions when I write my books, to find out what they think. The most common thing identified that both men and women are afraid to do is to speak in front of a group. Many would rather die that have the attention on them, whether it’s for a meeting at work, making a toast at wedding, or at a workshop that offers the chance to ask questions or give your opinion. Fear of saying the wrong thing or being received poorly can motivate avoiding these situations at all costs.
When you dodge speaking in front of a group because you’re scared, you can miss out on good opportunities.
In my DoorMat days I’d go to any lengths not to speak to more than one person at a time. Bigger groups intimidated me and my lips would feel crazy glued together. I was so insecure that I couldn’t imagine speaking without stumbling over my words or saying something stupid. I’d be at a panel and think something good to say. Others seemed to have it easy going up to the mic and chatting with the panelists. But, as I thought about raising my hand, my mouth would get dry and my heart beat so fast from fear that I couldn’t imagine how I’d get the words out without collapsing.
When I was trying to build my record label years ago, I went to a big music conference. I was on the cusp of building confidence—not yet there but knowing I had to take risks to succeed. One panel stirred some questions that I thought were provocative and would add some interesting elements to the discussion. Asking required me to explain what I was doing. I sat there, practicing what I’d say in my head, taking deep breaths to calm down and giving myself a silent pep talk. “I can do it!” In the past, I never got to the mic because I waited too long to get up. But I knew what had to be done.
Taking risks can reap the biggest rewards.
I wanted to move forward and got my butt out of the seat. Slowly, I got in line behind other people waiting to speak. Part of me prayed the panel would end before they got to me; a bigger part prayed that wouldn’t happen. I wondered if people could tell I was trembling as I continued to do deep breathing to build my courage. I’ll never forget how I felt when the guy in front of me finished. It was my turn. Too late to back out! I slowly stated my point and asked my question. People perked up and the panelists liked what I said.
Taking control of the fear of speaking up feels great when you get to the other side, even if it doesn’t got as well as you’d have liked. You should be proud of doing it at.
My rewards made it worthwhile to endure the stress of waiting on the line to speak. People came to me to say they loved what I said and asked for my card. And, a celebrity panelist—Ice-T—came over to speak to me. After that, I put a lot of thought into finding something “brilliant” to say on the mic at conferences, so people would know who I was. That led to meeting a lot of good people who helped me in my career.
People who speak up aren’t free of fear. They just push themselves to speak anyway.
People who know me are surprised that I still get nervous before being on a TV show or speaking in front of a group. It gets easier as you do it more often but for most of us, it doesn’t get easy. Speaking in front of large groups is part of my profession so I had to learn to get past the fear with steps to calm down and you can too:
• Take slow deep breaths through you nose and then ever more slowly let it out though your mouth. In any nervous situation, this can take the edge off of nervousness, slow down your heart rate and make you feel more relaxed.
• Be prepared! Know well what you plan to speak about. The more you research or read or learn about the topic you plan to speak about, the more confidence you’ll have and the better you’ll sound.
• Think before you speak. Don’t just blurt something out on the fly. I let possibilities ruminate in my head for a while before I open my mouth. I also think of ideas before I even go out. Saying something that sounds good helps you attract people for networking or making money!
• Do affirmations. I’ve been waiting for my turn to speak or ask a question and felt my insides quaking. That’s when I repeat things in my head to build confidence. “I will sound fabulous when I speak.” Before appearing on TV shows, I sometimes go to the mirror and repeat to myself that I’m really good and can make a great impression. Over and over. Damn! I really am good! ☺
• Start small to build confidence. Speak up in a small group, then at a work meeting where you can come in prepared. The more you speak up and see that the world doesn’t implode, the easier it becomes.
• Accept that everyone makes mistakes and if you stumble over a word or goof up in some way, it’s okay. Laugh and move on. People don’t remember for long, if at all. Just focus on the message you want to get across.
• Use your spiritual power. I look up and say thanks for support in sounding good when I speak. The more I feel supported, the more confident I become. I’ve put my words into the Universe’s hands and then I know I can do it well.
Lat week I went to an intro class at Mama Gena’s School of the Womanly Arts. It’s an amazing program that pushes women to be the best they can be. They also encourage bragging and Mama Gena walked around with a mic, asking women to stand up and brag. Those who did mainly knew her already and had been through her program. There were over 250 women there. I had to speak so I raised my hand! The mic was passed to me and I gave a short rundown of my accomplishments. I got huge applause and made some fabulous contacts with women who came up to me after because of what I said.
Speaking up brings MANY rewards! Build your courage and try it! The more you do it, the more you’ll have the confidence to do it more. That confidence can carry over to other areas of your life and help you progress in your life journey, no matter where you’re going!
NOTE: I will be starting Mama Gena’s Mastery program next month and will share some of the lessons here.
If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!
Making Life Changes
It seems like if there was really a wish fairy, everyone would have something they’d like to change. Whether it’s something big, like getting a huge income increase, or something personal, like losing weight, or a gazillion other types of things, most people would love something different if they didn’t have to work for it. The trouble is, life isn’t a fairy tale and there is no wish fairy, so many of those wishes for change don’t come true. When I was a DoorMat, I prayed for the wish fairy to take pity on me and help me change my people pleasing ways but never got a response.
I finally accepted that change comes from within and then you do what’s necessary to achieve it.
It took time for me to change, since I operated in fear back then. Plus, I had no skills or resources to use to become a more empowered woman. My change began with discovering faith. I was just beginning to recognize that maybe there was a spiritual power I could tap into. So I stopped praying for a wish fairy and instead prayed for an epiphany or something to help me get started. Right after, 2 real friends (who didn’t know each other) lectured me a few days apart about how it bothered them to see how I let people treat me.
They told me I DESERVED a lot better and needed to stop giving all my energy to others and start doing more for me. I listened. It actually felt eerie to hear this from 2 different people at 2 different times for no apparent reason. Now I know that it was my prayers being answered. “Coincidentally,” a few days later I went to visit my parents for a week. After being nurtured and loved, I returned home with determination to change.
Ask for a sign to get started. It will most likely come through experiences like it did for me.
Pay attention and learn from the signs, unless you really want to stay in the place you’d prefer were different. If the idea of change unnerves you or seems overwhelming, try to focus on the benefits of handling situations in more satisfying ways, one step at a time. It’s much better than complaining without results. I know, because I was the Queen of Complainers. I may have been a DoorMat but I sure complained all the time to anyone who’d listen, except of course to people who were the source of what I complained about. Speaking up to people who hurt or angered me wasn’t an option back then.
One constructive baby step at a time makes changing easier. Instead of seeing changing your ways as major overhauls, perceive change as an accumulation of small lessons used effectively to break old habits—not who you are. Do it slowly but do it! I learned to initiate change with these steps:
* Acknowledge you need to change. The hardest step may be ending the delusion that helping others compensates for your dissatisfaction or that your weight makes you unhappy and holds you back or that you won’t be happy until you break an old habit, like procrastinating or talking too much.
* Decide you want to change: Make a conscious decision to seek more effective ways to handle irritating situations. You have to want it enough to do something more than just pray for the wish fairy.
* Pinpoint what to change: Pay attention to your habits. Assess which need breaking. Poor eating habits? Making excuses instead of exercising? Getting caught up in trivial activities that keep you from tackling important things? Interrupting people and not listening? Saying “yes” to things you don’t want?
* Decide what to change first: Pick one person or situation to start with. Make one small change. Eat a healthier meal one time. Say “no” to one person. Concentrate on finishing one task. As you change one habit, you’ll enjoy feeling in control over it. Then tackle another.
* Try different techniques: Like shopping, try on different suits until one fits properly. See which demeanor you’re comfortable with to express yourself more or turn down requests. You may need different attitudes with different people or different strategies in a variety of situations. Eating home more may help you get started on controlling your eating. Some people need a gym or personal trainer to exercise. Some find a walking buddy. See what feels best for you.
* Motivate yourself. Let painful memories inspire handling yourself differently. Usually we want to change things we don’t like. Think about why and write it down. Affirm the reasons you want to handle situations differently.
* Consciously applaud progress. Don’t wait for major breakthroughs. Celebrate each baby step as an accomplishment, even if it seems insignificant. Saying “no” to a cookie is an accomplishment for someone who normally can’t resist. I know because I love sweets and must resist the urge to pig out too often. So when I limit myself, I’m jazzed!
* Be patient. Empowerment won’t develop overnight. It takes time to get comfortable with a new approach. If you can recognize every teeny baby step as progress on your road to what you want, you can wait for the bigger stuff to come.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. “
Change begins with that first step. Take a little one and then another. You may wake up one day and noticed you’ve broken an old habit and replaced it with one that helps you become the person you want to be as a series of baby steps adds up. I still remember when I looked in the mirror and realized how empowered I’d become. So Sweet!
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Law of Attraction in Action: What ifs?
This is post 70 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.
I was very lucky that a Chinese massage center opened up in the summer down the block from me. Their specialty is pressure points for healing, including reflexology, which is my favorite. The real lucky part—they’re cheap! Dirt cheap for midtown Manhattan. And they offered a grand opening promotion that sweetens the deal even more—2 free massages if you get 10 by the end of February. I had eight and planned to get one last weekend. When I began getting the massages, I earmarked an envelope for massages. I kept the little card they sign when I get one and some extra cash in it. But when I went to get the envelope for my massage, I couldn’t find it.
I looked everywhere. It wasn’t where I normally put it or in my purse from last time. I looked everywhere I could imagine but no luck. My mind immediately began to think of what I could do if I didn’t find it. I didn’t want to lose the cash in it but especially didn’t want to lose proof of my previous massages so I could get 2 free ones. I considered begging for at least some credit since I always go to the same person and she knows me. But, luckily, I caught myself.
I HAD to find the envelope! Period! It had to be somewhere. So I changed my mindset from “What if I don’t find it?” to “It’s somewhere and I’ll find it.”
A common trigger for fear is the unknown. When you know something will happen, good or bad, you can prepare a response or solution. But when you aren’t sure of an outcome, your mind can conjure up some pretty scary situations. When I was a DoorMat, I always considered the worst-case scenario, and often acted on it. I’d experience the fear and stress that would occur if it did happen, which it usually didn’t.
Or, I’d use all my people pleasing ways to smooth over what might not have been a bad situation, just in case.
I thought that if I didn’t help friend A, she might stop spending so much time with me and I’d be lonely. If I didn’t put my plans aside to drive friend B to her doctor appointment, she might never help me if I needed it one day. If the doctor said there was a small chance my fever was something serious, I suffered with a serious disease until the results of tests came in and I was cleared. I never found out what would happen if I said no to a friend’s request since I always did what they wanted. Nor did I get a serious disease.
You can suffer the consequences of scenarios that never materialize when you project what negative things could happen.
Many people assume the worst when they don’t know the outcome. The more you think and act on negative “what ifs,” the more chance of attracting a negative outcome. Focusing on bad outcomes tells the Universe you expect the situation to end badly. Guess what that attracts? People come to me asking why things never work out for them. As they talk, I can hear the worst expectations in their words.
• “I never got___and now I have ____coming up and that will probably tank too.” Surprise! None of it worked out. Negatives are easy to attract. Assuming they will happen is a mental magnet.
• “I know I’ll need surgery and can’t afford to miss so much work so I’ll probably lose my job too.” All that aggravation and he didn’t need surgery. Yet the doctor found another health problem for him to “what if?” about. The stress he created with his “what ifs?”caused problems that made him lose his job, as he speculated happening.
• “I’m going to the tropics on vacation. I bet it will rain and ruin my trip.” She won the bet. Thinking it would rain ruined her anticipation and attracted the rain that ruined her trip! I always expect gorgeous weather in vacation and KNOW there is no way there will be rain. And I alwasy have sunshine!
When I work with someone, I engage in a conversation and listen to how they perceive their life and handle situations where the outcome can be positive or negative. Then I try to get them to focus on getting what they want, not what they’re scared of. It’s natural to go to the “what if” scenario if you’ve always done it. But “what iffing” it can be controlled!
The more you focus on a positive outcome, the better your chance of getting one.
Rather than seeing it as a flaw, consider “what iffing” as a habit you can stop or slow down if you CHOOSE to. When the desire to break this habit is there, it just takes self-awareness and time. And faith! I rarely go there anymore, since my faith keeps me expecting positives. Faith is the antidote for negative expectations. Practice really does solidify it.
The more you see the Law of Attraction work for you, the more you can talk yourself down from those pesky “what ifs?”
I found the envelope with my cash and the proof of my eight massages. First, I told myself there was NO option for NOT finding it. I HAD to find it. Logically, it had to be somewhere. I wouldn’t throw out an envelope with money in it. And it was NOT an option to lose the credit for the massages I’d gotten! I said that out loud, with force. Then I drowned the “what ifs” with an affirmation—“I have the envelope for my massage.”
I used a technique that works for me. I say, “Think like a Daylle.” Where might I leave it that’s odd but so like me.
Ah!!! I’d brought another envelope that I keep in the same spot with me a few days before in my backpack and it was still there. Maybe I’d accidentally brought the massage one with it and it was in my backpack too. Bingo! After a little digging, I found it. Had I not changed my thoughts, who knows when I might have noticed it at the bottom of my overstuffed backpack. I believe that my positive intention to find it led me to it. The “what iffing” would have distracted me.
George Schultz said, “The minute you start talking about what you are going to do if you lose, you have lost.”
Keep your thoughts on a winning track. If your tooth hurts, assume it’s something minor instead of “what iffing” a major, expensive problem. If your boss calls you in, assume it’s for something good, not to chastise you because you did something wrong. Do affirmations to reinforce the positive spin on what will happen. ALLOW yourself to attract the positive benefits of positive thoughts. Then, relax and enjoy all the good stuff you attract!
See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..
If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!
The Historical Problem of Drugs
Drug use, overdose, and abuse have been the problem of almost every government in the world throughout history. Many Americans today view our debate about legalizing marijuana and other currently illicit drugs as a unique issue, but this is simply not the case. With about four thousand plants yielding psychoactive or “mind-altering” substances, drugs have been in use almost constantly in various parts of the world. Historically, the most often abused drugs include “cannabis, opium, coca, tea, coffee, tobacco, and alcohol.”
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The Self-Help Psychologist Is In
Many of us who try to live an examined life find something lacking, though usually nothing so serious that it requires professional help. This has given rise to an entire genre of books aimed at indulging our urge to open up our own psyches and tinker with the wiring. But the genre’s lack of scientific rigor drives University of Hertfordshire psychologist Richard Wiseman to distraction.